Quite The Opposite Of The Awesome McCoolname Trope
by Manchester
Summary: For most heroes, they need to be called by the most macho name possible. For instance, SNIKT aside, the X-Men's Logan would've surely gotten an entirely different reaction from everyone in the Marvel Universe if he'd been dubbed 'The Gerbil'.
1. Chapter 1

Burzekk the Devourer couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Glaring with his smoldering red eyes across the dingy table of a demon bar on the outskirts of Albuquerque, this unholy creature felt his temper beginning to fray. Slowly speaking with a lurking intensity in his tone that indicated an verbal explosion wasn't far off, Burzekk said, "All right, to review what you just mentioned, there's a new hunter in the region."

At the opposite side of the table while sipping from his own mug of baby's blood, a vampire named Harry Westin who'd been turned just after World War I nodded in exasperated agreement.

"However, nobody knows anything else about this latest spoilsport who's been racking up a really impressive body count against us demons, except for two things. First, this monster hunter is a human guy, one of those normally dimwitted happy meals who thinks we're completely imaginary right up to the point where we tear out their throats."

Taking another mouthful of delicious hemoglobin, Harry cocked an eyebrow at where Burzekk now loudly bellowed in his utter disbelief, "AND, SECOND, HE'S CALLED FLUFFYCUDDLES!"

It took a while for the echoes of that final absurd word to die out among the shadows of the run-down, remote roadhouse which was the local gathering point after dark for the area's hostile predators upon humanity. A good many of these grotesque beings were now staring in shared annoyance at who'd just disturbed their own drinking.

Burzekk didn't care. Since he was about a quarter-ton of sheer muscle with torso scales providing natural armor below his chin, this demon had perfect confidence that nobody would dare bother him while he was growling at his table companion: "Harry, if this is your idea of a silly joke-"

"Hey!" exclaimed the indignant vampire. "I'm just passing on what I heard from people I mostly trust to tell the truth, at least in this case! Besides, there's no way anyone's pulling a gag about all those vamps and other demons around lately who've either vanished or wound up burned to cinders in the ruins of their lairs and watering holes!"

Thoughtfully twanging an exposed muzzle tusk with his thumb-claw, Burzekk then snorted in honest indignation, "So how do you explain that totally ridiculous name? I mean, from the Slayer down, all those other fighters who want to ruin our fun of snacking on humans have some kind of intimidating or scary moniker. I think there's an actual rule requiring this for those dumb champions. But no, whatever else about it, there's nothing the slightest bit scary about 'Fluffycuddles'!"

Just when he was about to open his mouth to respond, Harry's attention was diverted by three newcomers entering into the roadhouse by the dilapidated building's front door. Two of these were vampires he already knew, followed a few steps behind by some stranger wearing a hoodie while walking with his hands in his jeans pocket and looking down at the grimy bar floor.

Waving over to their table his pair of acquaintances, Harry waited while those vamps took their seats there. Ignoring how the stranger had wandered off into the general direction of the Place Which Shall Not Be Spoken Of (a rather fitting description for the demonic restroom), Harry leaned over the table and conspirationally addressed them all, "Okay, guys, here's the story. It starts off with a human family who got lost in Death Valley..."

A couple of minutes later, the entire fascinated bar then heard, "...and in the middle of dozens of dead bodies turning to goo or having the wind blowing away their ashes, the little girl gave her teddy bear to the man who'd saved them all. That kid's wholehearted thanks also came with 'I know you'll take great care of him just like you did with us, Mr. Fluffycuddles!'"

From those whose lungs still worked, an awed sigh rushed out at the conclusion of such an amazing tale. Well...one person there wasn't all that affected. To be precise, Burzekk was back again in glowering with increasing ire at where Harry was in turn taking a satisfied gulp at his crimson-filled glass.

This refreshment was interrupted by the immense ogre's fed-up monotone, "Harry, before anyone else interrupts, I'd like to ask you _one_ simple question. See, according to what you just said, the attacking demons trying to eat that family and their rescuer instead got slaughtered, down to the very last of 'em. The same thing's been happening to others of our kind, not a single survivor in the wrecked bars and hangouts. That brings up my whole point: if nobody ever managed to get away to talk about it, how the hell do you know this killer's stupid nickname is Fluffycuddles?"

_THUNK!_

Standing behind the corpse of Burzekk, whose head he'd just cleaved in twain with a battleaxe pulled out a moment ago from under his hoodie, Xander Harris cheerfully announced at large to the motionless bar, "That's a damn good question, fellas! It almost matches the equally odd mystery that starts off the classic movie _Citizen Kane,_ where the old dude says with his dying breath 'Rosebud' but because he next kicks the bucket completely on his own, how come anyone ever learns about this in the first place?"

Looking around at the rest of the gaping fiends who'd just seen a human walk out of the room shadows from where he'd been leaning against the roadhouse wall and then murder one of their own, Xander saw this collective shock now turning into genuine fury. With a smooth tug of his arms, Xander extricated his axe blade from the dead demon's remains, and the Sunnydale native now calmly prepared for what was about to occur. Just before the onrush of enraged monsters began, Xander thought in a rueful inner voice to nobody in particularly while getting his weapon ready, *Seems like I'm not gonna find out the answer tonight to either of those!*

* * *

Strolling down the steps of the roadhouse, with his ash-coated axe shaft resting on one shoulder and the other hand holding a massive wad of dollar bills recently swiped out of the counter cash register, Xander saw before him on the ground the flickering light presented by the fire he'd just started in the bar at his back, fueled by a dozen bottles of alcohol smashed throughout the room and their flammable contents scattered everywhere. In this fiery glow through the tavern windows, the young man saw a few drops of purplish blood drying on his boot tops, virtually the only evidence upon him of the hopeless fight waged by a room full of now-deceased demons.

Standing at the front of the building about to go up entirely in flames, Xander shook his head in frank bemusement. After a whole summer of effortlessly exterminating hostile creatures of the night, it still beat him how amateurish they were in contrast to those fanged folks stalking through Sunnydale's deserted streets after midnight. It wasn't until about a week into his road trip back then that Xander finally understood the reason for this. His hometown, the Boca del Infierno, was the most mystically powerful Hellmouth in centuries, so naturally it attracted the most vicious and aggressive demons around in their attempts to seize this dimensional nexus for themselves.

Ever since the Scooby Gang was formed when Buffy Summers moved into her new house at Revello Drive, they'd been fighting against these same superior adversaries. Nonetheless, the small group of high school students along with a British librarian plus a souled vampire won every time. That had unsurprisingly given all of this brave band a great deal of hard-earned combat experience far beyond just about any non-Sunnydale demon. Or to put it this way, as Xander wryly thought, when even the third alternate substitute of a pro league team gets called off the bench to go up against a fifth-rate bush league team, there's no contest.

All it'd taken for Xander to realize this was a simple, impulsive decision the first day of his road trip. A quick choice between heading south to Los Angeles or up north towards San Francisco ended with the latter option and his car's transmission eventually disintegrating somewhere in Monterey County's back roads. While trudging down some unknown dark lane to find a telephone for calling a tow truck, Xander had been jumped by two vamps, which were in turn handily defeated by a truly pissed-off high school graduate. In the middle of this, though, the young man started wondering with growing bafflement over how easy it was to kick their undead asses.

After staking one of his ill-fated foes, Xander brought down the other vampire and conducted a quick and dirty interrogation on that bloodsucker. When this was over with and he'd learned everything the tortured vamp was whimpering, Xander finished off this walking corpse and then headed in the direction of the hide-out containing the rest of these damned pests. A dumbfounded Xander didn't have any trouble at all disposing of the entire foul nest, and he promptly looted the place of every bit of money in there.

Trading up to a new car paid in full on the lot, Xander spent the next couple of months roaming through several Western states, enjoying the scenery and otherwise being nothing but a tourist. A tourist, mind you, who occasionally went on seek-and-destroy missions against the nearest inimical demon location, all while picking up the odd souvenir or two from there.

Striding towards his car parked well away from the ablaze Albuquerque roadhouse now catching on nicely, Xander smirked evilly to himself. Stopping at the back of his vehicle (a restored '69 Chevy Camaro with the V8 powerplant), Xander clicked open the trunk latch, which caused the lid of this rear storage compartment to swing up. Tossing the money and the axe he'd been carrying onto the enormous pile of paper currency filling up to its brim the entire compartment along with various jewels, gold coins, and several ancient magical objects that Giles was gonna get as unexpected presents for next Christmas, Xander needed several tries to slam shut the trunk lid.

Once he'd accomplished this, Xander got into a classic car he owned free and clear, started it with the ever-glorious rumble of the overpowered engine shivering his whole body, and drove off. After a mile or so, when the light of the burning building had faded from his rear-view mirror, Xander glanced over at the passenger seat.

There, snugly held fast by an applied seat belt, a small, bedraggled teddy bear sat in its usual position as it'd done ever since being gratefully given to Xander a few weeks ago. In a firm voice, this same hero now told the furry toy, "Okay, Fluffy, we're on our way back home, just in time. College starts after Labor Day, so now that I can pay for it, me and Wils and the Buffster will be together again at Sunnydale U. They'll love you on sight, no question about it, little dude. Just remember, even if the girls ever find about exactly what I did on summer vacation during my road trip, one thing stays between us forever. Keep in mind the words 'no power on earth', and it'll all be good. I really _don't_ need for them to ever learn about someone called Fluffycuddles."


	2. Chapter 2

_Sixteen years later:_

"Daaaaddddeeeee..."

At his office desk where he'd been glumly staring at the computer monitor for the last few minutes, Xander Harris froze in sudden dread. The silence in the room which had started after that reproachful admonishment delivered in high-pitched unison now stretched out way beyond anyone's comfort. Xander slowly glanced to one side at the open doorway that lead to the rest of the house where he, his wife, and their two children resided in happy domesticity at what had been a former private Pennsylvania college and was now the New Council's American branch for Slayer/Watcher training.

Standing there side-by-side in their absolute cuteness were his doom, with both of them bestowing upon their father the supremely feared Piteous Pleading Puppy Eyes. Jesse and Joyce Harris, five-year-old twins and the light of a couple's lives kept on staring at the man in his chair, confidently expecting him to crack any second now. To make sure of this, Joyce cooed to her daddy in this little girl's best adoring tone, "'Member your promise after the movie? Are we gonna go soon?"

Xander mentally acknowledged he'd had no chance right from the very start. Grinning at his kids, the New Council training director waved a hand at the computer and told them, "Yeah, I was just checking the schedules. There won't be any problem, so we can leave on Friday and spend Saturday there or as long as you want for the whole weekend."

"YAY!" whooped Joyce and Jesse at the top of their lungs, just before they rushed into the office to give Xander in his desk chair a quick dual hug, which was returned in full. Gleefully tearing themselves out of their father's embrace, the fraternal twins next dashed out of the office. Just after they disappeared from sight with the noisy sounds of stampeding feet following after, a loud joint shout of "WE'RE GOING TO FLUFFYCUDDLES PARK!" blew through the open doorway.

An instant later, Dawn Summers-Harris with a bemused expression of mild confusion upon her beautiful face walked into the office room from the outside corridor where she'd just been unexpectedly told by her children of the family's planned excursion. She stopped a few steps into the room, and looked at where a still-seated Xander was in turn giving this woman a truly weak smile. Narrowing her gaze at him in abrupt suspicion, Dawn said with a definite touch of frost in her voice, "We _are?_ Without us even talking about it?"

"They used the puppy eyes, honey!" anxiously appealed Xander in his futile defense.

This only gained him an exasperated sigh and a roll of her own eyes from Dawn, who then came towards and then around the desk. When she got close enough, Dawn plumped herself down in Xander's lap. Any pleasure the seated man might have had by being joined by his wife was quickly extinguished by Dawn grabbing Xander's chin in her firm grip and lecturing him, "All right, this has gone far enough. You better find a way to quit caving in when our twins do that, or else on the first day of grade school, Jesse will be driving your Camaro there and Joyce will be in the back seat with a half-dozen boyfriends."

"Not gonna happen," Xander flatly declared. "I've already got a shovel polished and ready for any one of those little creeps who even dares to lay a finger on my daughter."

Dawn sent a dubious glance at where Xander was staring off in the distance with a quite menacing glint in his remaining eye. She dryly stated, "I noticed you didn't say anything about Jesse."

"Oh, his feet won't be able to reach the pedals then, so there'll be a couple more years to wait before I can give him driving lessons- OW!"

Still holding Xander's captured left ear in her annoyed grip with two fingernails which were painfully pinching his earlobe, Dawn said repressively, "Xan, quit joking for a minute, will you? I really think we need to talk about this, not just about Fluffycuddles Park... What was that?"

"What was what?" asked a puzzled Xander, not sure why Dawn had just changed the subject while looking at him with sudden astonishment.

Frowning for a moment, Dawn next shrugged as if dismissing something. She let go of Xander's ear to start speaking once more, "Anyway, even if Joyce and Jesse loved the Fluffycuddles movie so much- There it was again!"

"Dawn-"

Placing both palms against Xander's chest, Dawn leaned forwards until she was nearly nose-to-nose with the man wearing his everyday eyepatch. Looking him directly in his single orb, she intoned, "Fluffycuddes. The Fluffycuddles Show. Erika Nathanson, creator of the Fluffycuddles craze. Fluffycuddles, the sequel. Okay, buster, you better have a good explanation on why every time I say Fluffycuddles, you flinch a little! And I felt you do it just then, too!"

Xander's lips parted to begin an indignant protest, until he noted Dawn's stern expression that was exactly like her mother years ago when Joyce Summers had also reached the limits of her patience. Sagging down in his chair, Xander inwardly groaned, *Damn, busted after so long! I was sure nobody would ever notice, but no, the big secret's finally out now...*

Heaving a truly defeated sigh, Xander then spoke to his wife in an equally abject tone, "Honey, hang on just a sec, will you?"

After hearing that, Dawn felt her husband's left arm go around her waist while he scooted their chair over to the right. As he held her in place to keep from sliding off his lap, a bewildered Dawn looked at where Xander had pulled out a desk drawer. She kept watching while he tapped several switches located at the front of the electronic equipment placed inside the drawer, with small green lights by the switches turning on at every press of his fingertip.

A flicker of motion caught Dawn's attention. Glancing up, she saw how the ajar office door swung silently shut on its own to give them some seclusion. More of this privacy was provided when Dawn felt the gentle mental pressure which indicated that Willow's protective wards had just gone up around the room. The last time these magical shields were used here was a few weeks before the previous Christmas, when she and Xander happily planned the specific presents they were going to give their children and the other Scoobies scattered around the world on New Council business. Just like then, the appearance of the wards meant there was no possible way they could be eavesdropped upon by any sort of magical and mundane snooping.

While uneasily thinking about this last realization, Dawn felt Xander's other arm join in his embrace of her lower body. She looked down into his resigned face, to then hear him admit, "Dawnie, first of all, let me say I'm honest to God sorry for not ever telling you before. I just didn't think it was all that important around then back in the 'Dale. Afterwards, when the whole thing exploded like it did a few years later on, well, yeah, the thought of having my butt painfully kicked sky-high like a soccer ball by our whole family made me swear to keep my mouth clamped shut nice and tight forever."

"Um...Xan? You're not making any sense to me," Dawn worriedly informed her husband.

"Oh." Stopped cold by that, Xander started all over again, hopefully much more clearer this time. "Here's the thing: I don't even want to say the name because I _am_ Fluffycuddles."


	3. Chapter 3

Several minutes later, an index finger slipped with unerring accuracy between the lower buttons of Dawn's blouse and poked her gently right into this young woman's navel. Letting out a soft "Yeep!" sound, Dawn jerked upright at being distracted so rudely from her recent puzzled ruminations over what she'd just learned. This mother of two glowered down at Xander's intent visage, about to give him a piece of her mind.

Instead, Dawn heard from him, "Honey, would you please get off? My legs are turning numb."

"Sorry!" came in a swift apology from Dawn, along with her following through Xander's request by promptly arising from the man's lap. Backing up a few steps, Dawn watched Xander also heave himself up from his chair on stiff legs and bend over slightly to rub with genuine relief both thighs at once. When Xander continued his grateful massage, Dawn wandered over to the office window and stared out there at the last vestiges of winter.

A few moments passed before Dawn sensed Xander approaching from behind her. Sure enough, a pair of strong arms were tenderly put around Dawn to pull her into a loving hug, ending with Xander perching his chin atop Dawn's left shoulder. They both stood there, sharing the familiar scene outside of their home's brown lawn and leafless trees awaiting the greenery of spring.

"Do you miss California?" was unexpectedly breathed into Dawn's ear.

The New Council's senior archivist and researcher let out a soft snort. "I don't miss Sunnydale, if you want to know. Yeah, I understand it was your hometown and all, but even if they're fake and include Hank divorcing Mom and Buffy being sent to that horrible asylum, I've got much better memories of growing up in Los Angeles. Still, living in four seasons is wonderful, especially with our kids…Fluffycuddles."

Xander desperately tried to stay immobile, only to know he'd been unsuccessful at preventing this reflexive cringe when Dawn's body pressed against his shook in her own quiet amusement. She teased, "How come nobody ever spotted you doing that before? And why didn't you just man up and spill it to big sis and Willow about the name when they wore you down into pretty well coming clean about your road trip?"

"It was college, Dawn," Xander pointed out. "Most people starting their first year there among a bunch of strangers and a completely new school are eager to take the opportunity to leave behind the more embarrassing parts of high school that everyone remembers about them. I mean, I quit wearing Hawaiian shirts seven days a week then, too. Do you think I really _wanted_ Buffy and Wils to accidentally let slip their new pet name for me? It'd have spread out at the speed of light throughout the entire Sunnydale U campus!"

"Okay, I'll give you that one," Dawn chuckled. Still, her brow wrinkled in mild perplexity into a swift change of mood while she continued, "But why didn't you ever say anything, at least to me, when the little girl you saved started her website which turned into the whole Fluffycuddles mania?"

"Huh?"

That abrupt grunt of confusion from him was followed by Xander finally letting loose of his nonstop hug to place his hands on Dawn's shoulders. Turning her around in a half circle to face him, Xander uncertainly eyed his wife looking back at him in her own mystification. These twofold sets of blank stares came to an end for Xander at any rate when comprehension suddenly struck him.

"Lemme put it this way, Dawnie…you know how she - Erika Nathanson, that is – told the story about coming up with her big idea the first few times she got interviewed? That kid said the same thing to even Leno and Letterman and Oprah, remember?"

Dawn appeared thoughtful, until she cautiously said, "Even if I now know otherwise, it's pretty much as famous as JK Rowling's account of how she started writing the first Harry Potter book whenever she could find the time. Erika got lost on a family trip to Death Valley, a mysterious stranger rescued her, and as a thank-you gift she gave her teddy bear named Fluffy to the guy, calling him Fluffycuddles because he treated Fluffy like it was now his own bear to look after and care for. She never met or heard from this man again, but Erika started making up stories and doing drawings to herself about Fluffycuddles' adventures with her teddy around the country in his fantastic car."

Taking a necessary breath in her recitation, Dawn then shot Xander a quizzical look. She asked, "Did you really put a flaming pumpkin head on the Camaro's radiator grille?"

Xander let out a deep guffaw, before shaking his head in wry denial. "Nope, she came up with that completely on her own. Go on, what else?"

Dawn shrugged. "Erika did even more stories and drawings for longer than anyone might've expected, all in secret for a couple years, until one day she asked her dad to help her set up a website so that these could be shared with everybody who might like them. Boy, did they ever. It wasn't long until the books came out, then the animated series, the action figures with lots more merchandising, the comics, the live-action movie which is already filming a sequel, and now the theme park in San Diego County. Helped by her mom and dad, Erika's stayed the owner and creator of it all. She graduated from college last year, majoring in business, and looks about to equal or even surpass Matt Groening in money and becoming one of the country's cultural icons."

Nodding with evident approval, Xander let a few seconds go by before prompting, "And…?"

"And _what?_" Dawn impatiently responded, feeling a little bit irked with Xander for not finally getting around to the topic of their discussion.

Rather than answering, Xander merely scratched the back of his head with genuine amazement. He squinted at the other person in the room for a short while, apparently ignoring the growing signs of feminine annoyance plain upon her face. Before Dawn could actually lose her temper, she then heard from her spouse, "Didn't you ever notice the resemblances? I've never really dared to talk about it with the others, but since they haven't said a single word to me the whole time, I figured the entire gang either simply considered it a big coincidence or just didn't think it had anything to do with them."

"Alexander LaVelle Harris..." began Mount Dawn about to erupt and lay waste to the peaceful countryside for miles around.

Thankfully, before this natural disaster could take place, she was cut off by Xander's hasty statement delivered in a panicky tone a trifle too loudly: "THE KID WROTE ABOUT US!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Uh, what?" Dawn feebly produced. Diverted from her recent bout of bad temper, she instead stared in newfound bewilderment at her sheepish husband. Dawn next said in her daze, "Honey, I hate to break it to you, but even if that little girl who invented Fluffycuddles wanted to make him the greatest hero ever, you aren't seven feet tall and have more muscles than a dozen action movie stars!"

On the rare occasions when he'd idly contemplated how this might turn out, Xander hadn't ever thought it'd be so much trouble to get his point across. He wearily tried, "Not _me,_ dear. Fluffycuddles' friends and enemies in the whole imaginary world that Erika thought up. Just consider the core group of characters she put on the Internet in the first place, and decide for yourself how they compare to some folks we know, love, and don't particularly need to be told about this."

During the sudden silence in the office, Dawn did as she'd been instructed and was obviously running through her mind the major cast members of the Fluffycuddles Show. In the meantime, Xander nonchalantly sidled a few steps away and beyond from his wife towards the room window. Facing it, he stood while fixedly staring out through the glass, even when a shocked gasp came from behind where Dawn was currently located. A now-resigned Xander waited for what was to come.

This involved Dawn's steely voice demanding at the back of the man looking out the window, "Xan, what'd you do?"

Lifting his shoulders once in a hopefully manner-of-fact matter, Xander confessed without turning around, "Well, back then after taking care of those vamps and other demons in the desert, the Nathanson family's campsite was totally trashed, including their car. I offered them a ride to someplace safer, which was the nearest motel. It was still pretty far away, so during the next half-hour when we were driving in the Camaro, I passed the time by telling some stories about a couple of other people who were also fighting the good fight against monsters in the night. Erika with her teddy listened to every word from me without a single interruption, but her parents in the back seat were still mostly numb about what'd just happened to them. At the time, I didn't think they were hearing me, but just in case, I, uh, muddied the waters a little so that nobody would connect the Scooby Gang in Sunnydale to what I said in the car."

After that revelation, there was an ominous stillness in the office for a long minute, with neither Xander nor Dawn moving from their positions of him at the window and her standing behind this man. Still looking outside, Xander felt his armpits beginning to dampen at the menacing atmosphere now presently in the office. He began to open his mouth in a hopeless attempt at further justification. However, this was interrupted before Xander could utter a single syllable by Dawn's abstracted musing out loud.

"Hmmm, the only possible reasons for everything are a kind of weird leftover Sunnydale Syndrome for us all, or that by sheer accident during the last decade or so, Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, Faith, and Giles didn't connect the dots. I don't know which worries me the most. Not when a careful look at exactly who Fluffycuddles has helping him in protecting his hometown of Daybreak City really should've roused their - _our_ - suspicions."

Xander promptly became riveted by the view through the window. He'd once read that this area had been covered completely by glaciers in the last Ice Age some umpty-ump thousand years ago. By the way his luck was running today, climate change had just reversed throughout the world, and a wall of freezing white death several hundred feet high was rapidly sliding here at full speed all the distance from the North Pole, arriving any second now. On the other hand, this ultimate catastrophe would mean he'd be able to avoid-

Behind Xander, Dawn continued in a distant monotone, as if talking to herself.

"I mean, all kidding aside about her intelligence, my sister is normally capable of seeing something so obvious in the Fluffycuddles cast. You couldn't have a better example than Warrior Miss, the petite super-cheerleader who can beat up without any trouble the Incredible Hulk or Superman, separately or both together at once, but if that girl with her pom-poms gets the slightest smudge or scratch on her expensive shoes, she goes to pieces. Yep, something like that wouldn't bother Buffy at all."

Xander longingly scanned the horizon. Was a white line showing there?

"Even odder is how a certain witch never noticed the character of FallTree, the maple with autumn foliage who's really a dryad and can turn into a woman with magic powers whenever she wants to show her total crush on Fluffycuddles. Except that this big, clueless jerk doesn't think of her as anything but a good friend, and he always misses this redhead's determined plotting to get him alone for some heavy smooching."

Xander continued to blankly stare out the window, not moving a single muscle on his face or body.

"Of course, FallTree's main competition isn't the least bit shy in locking lips with Fluffycuddles. Then, again, why shouldn't she? Grace the Huntress knows men will always be putty in her hands, what with the whole brunette jungle goddess shtick consisting of flawless black hair falling down to a toned butt wrapped in a skin-tight leopard-skin bikini bottom and her equally skimpy top showing cleavage for days. A classic good/bad girl who can go head-to-head with Warrior Miss and swaggers around town every chance she gets, Grace is an expert at playing both sides of the law. An entire generation of boys still grew up loving her and Lara Croft anyway in fond appreciation of their constant bouncing."

Xander closed his right eye in real pain.

"Let's not forget Sir Barky, the stray puppy who wandered into the British Museum one day and chewed his way through hundreds of dusty books filled with knowledge at his new home. Somehow, that made him become smarter than most humans and also able to talk for real. When this animal grew up to be an English bulldog detective, he retained the snobby accent and a tweed deerstalker hat which always stays on throughout Sir Barky's rides in the Camaro, panting head sticking out the passenger window while enjoying the stiff breeze blowing in his so-ugly-he's-sweet face."

Xander sighed, and then he abruptly stiffened in place, his remaining eyelid popping opening with surprise. The purring gust of air now tickling the back of his neck changed into actual words.

"Naturally a bunch of heroes has to have a proper villain, so we've got in Daybreak City none other than Snakey McWoobles, the evil reptile clown whose secret identity of Mayor Bob 'Gosharootie' Tate allows him to appear as nothing more than an excessively cheerful human politician to all the other people in town. Fortunately, this scoundrel's wicked schemes never work right because he always leaves the details to his henchmen, the bumbling pair of vampires named Blackie and Blondie who have a real talent for hilariously wrecking their leader's nefarious plans. Oh, by the way, just a couple of years ago, Blackie and Blondie made history by being the first animated characters to come out as gay, declaring their everlasting love for each other."

Xander allowed a small, spitefully satisfied smirk to cross his lips. This malevolent smile promptly vanished at Dawn's next icy utterance while she was standing directly behind him, "So what've you got to say for yourself, Fluffycuddles the blabbermouth?"


	5. Chapter 5

The man in his office swallowed hard at sensing the extreme threat level he was now getting from his dearly beloved. Xander frantically searched for some way out of this which wouldn't involve him sleeping alone on the couch for the next month. "Errrrr...will a little bribery work here in making you calm down and not tell the Scoobies what I did? Like, say, being given nothing less than the original Fluffy for your very own?"

"You mean you _still_ have it?" came in Dawn's disbelieving tone, her former irritation momentarily diverted by this news.

Xander fervently nodded, adding without turning around, "Sure. That teddy was in the trunk of my car when it was being serviced by Mel's Classics Auto Shop in Santa Barbara throughout the First Evil mess. I didn't pick up the Camaro until months after Sunnydale collapsed, remember? Anyway, when I got my ride back, I found Fluffy where I'd left it, untouched and in good shape. Erika's present stayed there until her stuff got really popular, so much that I was getting offers just about every other week for the car alone. Do you know that the specific year and make of this Chevy brand has doubled in value just because of the show?"

Dawn's eyebrows rose a bit at hearing the last, but she nonetheless cleared her throat to force Xander back to the more important point.

"Right," said a meek Xander, "Now, where was I? Once I figured out how much the teddy bear might be worth, what with it being the inspiration for the whole craze, I stored it away in a safe deposit box. Just say the word, and it's yours."

There was now a hush in the office during which Dawn was clearly considering this anxious inducement for her agreement to keep the entire secret of Fluffycuddles. As for the man himself who bore the responsibility of instigating a young girl to write and draw wacky parodies of the Scooby Gang (which undoubtedly wouldn't find this all that amusing if it ever came out), Xander was holding his breath for Dawn's final decision.

A pair of arms were then wrapped around Xander's chest and hugged him tightly. Xander's sudden relief at this seeming display of forgiveness was tempered just as quickly by Dawn whispering into his ear, "Don't think you're gonna get off completely, mister. I'll take Fluffy, thank you very much, but there's still the matter of some more well-deserved punishment waiting for someone called A. L. Harris!"

Xander happily pressed his body back into Dawn's familiar form, feeling much better now. So much, indeed, that he was compelled to argue, "Hey, I had no idea that Erika was memorizing everything I said about the Buffster-"

"That's not what I meant, Xan. See, your big mistake was neglecting to mention to her about a magic ball of light who got turned into a real human girl that fell hard for Fluffycuddles, eventually made this idiot admit he felt the same, turned him into her absolute slave, and had a wonderful marriage with this hero that produced two darling children."

Rendered speechless for nearly a full minute, Xander eventually sputtered, "What the hell are you talking about? Those monks of Dagon didn't even do the spell that sent you to Sunnydale until later on the year after my road trip, so why..."

After trailing off in his indignant statement, Xander began all over again in a much more defeated tone, "I'm not going to win this one, am I?"

A kiss was delivered by Dawn to the back of Xander's neck, along with a smug "Nope."

"Fine," Xander said with mock outrage, beginning to see the humor in this and also genuinely curious as to what might come next. "You brought up something about punishment. Thank god, diaper duty's over and done with. So, what, are you sticking me with going by myself to all our kids' PTA meetings for the upcoming decade?"

Dawn snickered while leaning her forehead to press it against the back of Xander's skull. "No, dear. You'll definitely do something just as stupid around then to get saddled with that, so I won't waste this. Instead, I've come up with a much more appropriate penalty."

Xander inwardly shivered at the horrific thought which had just occurred to him, of how Anya the former vengeance demon had spent hours together with Dawn during the thousand-year-old female's occasional baby-sitting duties at the Magic Box. The extended discussions then among these two surely encompassed the proper retribution upon feckless miscreants, so Xander dolefully knew he wasn't going to get off lightly over his recent transgressions. Keeping this in mind, the one-eyed man awaited with stoic fatalism Dawn's pronouncement of his fate.

"Just like you told Jesse and Joyce, we're all going to Fluffycuddles Park. It'll be first-class all the way, though, with _you_ paying every penny for the plane, the hotel, the visit to the place itself, and armloads of souvenirs of our stay."

It might have only been his imagination, but Xander could've sworn he actually heard an anguished whimper coming from the upper left desk drawer where he kept his wallet there with its credit cards. Unfortunately, Dawn didn't stop there.

"Besides one very special souvenir I'll damn well make sure of, a whole bunch of other gifts from the park will be handed out to the Scoobies at our next reunion. Guess who'll be doing this, sweetie?"

"Me?" risked Xander.

"Got it in one," happily replied Dawn. She went on, "Better sharpen your acting skills, too. Because if I need to keep the big secret of how our friends are the alter egos of Fluffycuddles' neighbors, at least I'll get to watch you give Buffy, Giles, Willow and Faith a few presents showing the same characters they inspired. All without them ever guessing the why of it. Right now, I'm thinking a life-size poster of Grace the Huntress for Faith and a perfectly-fitting deerstalker hat for Giles. I'll have to see what else they've got on sale for the other two."

In the middle of the absolute glumness which had now descended upon him, Xander unwillingly ventured a question he really didn't want to ask, "Wait, what did you mean, the very special souvenir?"

A truly vindictive giggle was delivered by Dawn, followed by Xander developing cold chills running the entire length of his spine when he heard her explain in this same terrifying tone, "If I have to, I'll hunt through the entire park to find them, dragging you along the whole time. Just to let you know in advance, if you even try to get away then, your ass is grass and I'll be the lawnmower. Because once I have the camera ready for your picture, the park actors impersonating Blackie and Blondie will earn one hell of a tip from me by standing on either side of you, and giving you a pair of big, sloppy kisses on both cheeks."

After a long period of awed silence from him, Xander broke this by intoning, "Dawn Summers-Harris, you are a cruel, cruel woman."

Contently giving her spouse another firm squeeze, Dawn agreed, "Darn tootin', to quote Willow."

The couple spent the next few moments luxuriating in each other's company until Dawn spoke up again, "Don't you want to know what else I'm planning to get from Fluffycuddles Park?"

"Please, no more," moaned Xander.

"That's it, start practicing saying that," Dawn crooned to him in her sexiest voice. "You'll be repeating it a lot in our bedroom with the locked door. My new leopard-skin bikini is gonna look great on me, until it won't fit any more."

Xander blinked in surprise, until he frowned at the window. "Why wouldn't it fit-?" After stopping short, Xander gently unwrapped Dawn's arms from around him, and he turned around while still holding onto her hands. He stared down into Dawn's shiny eyes and quivering lips for no more than a second before breathing, "How long?"

She smiled at Xander with infinite tenderness before answering, "The doctor said yesterday I'm at five weeks now, and everything's fine."

Xander promptly gathered up Dawn in his most careful embrace, which resulted in his wife giggling into her husband's chest, "Erika Nathanson can have her whole imaginary world with all the money and fame from this. _I've_ got the original Fluffycuddles, and now the original Fluffy, too!"


End file.
